Righting This Ship

Typically, I like to organize thoughts and create an outline before writing. Not today, today I’m just writing and seeing where this heads. I’m shooting from the hip.

Right now I feel like Bugs Bunny, popping out of the ground and wondering where the hell I am. I’m not where I want to be. For perhaps the first time in my adulthood, I wish my life was different. I’m not happy. I feel as if I have little purpose. Where did I go wrong? I knew I should have taken that left at Albuquerque.

It’s been a messed up year. My father passed. My grandmother passed. I lost my first love. I tore my Achilles tendon. I underwent surgery to repair it two and a half months later. Three months later, I began walking on my own. I developed some really intense allergies and started taking allergy shots. It now looks like the shots compromised my immune system, and I can no longer participate in strenuous exercise. This year has also been a complete failure for me professionally. I’ve hardly made any money at all. And on top of this all, my relationship with God has never been worse. Before my father died, I never considered the idea of being angry with God. Yet five minutes after he passed, I was. I had prayed over a decade that my father would know God. And God had given me a lot of reasons to believe it would happen – different promises in the Bible, experiences with the Holy Spirit, and even multiple dreams of my father worshiping. Why didn’t he give my father a reason to believe? I’m not really angry anymore, just incredibly confused. I don’t think there will ever be answers for some of these questions. God never promised to shield us from messed up years.

I’m not looking for a pity party here. I’m just trying to explain a little on how I arrived in the place I am now. Once again, I realize that I’m not in control here. I look at everything that’s happened to me above, and there wasn’t much I could have done about any of it. No organizing, planning, or outlining could have led me to a much better place. I’ll just continue in the conscious, deliberate, and exhausting efforts to right this ship. I pray about this as well, not nearly as much as I should. Not looking for pity. Definitely not looking for comments. You could pray for me, though. Meanwhile, looking at what is ahead and forgetting what is behind, I will continue on toward the Prize. --drew