Are You Still There For Me, God? Do You Love Me?

In tears I asked the first question over and over. “Are you still there for me? Are you still there for me, God?” I had watched my unsaved father die less than a month ago. Lost my first love two days ago. Had Achilles tendon surgery ….

(crossroads) Come to a point where I don’t want to follow him anymore. Become like the rest of America who acknowledges a Christian god, perhaps go to church some, but never pursues him.
I don’t know if I really like him.

Does he like me? Does he love me? Did he love my father? I don’t think I’ll ever be able to answer that one.

I used to believe that God was love. I was in love with him. 1 Cor. 13

He leaves the creature to stand up on its own legs – to carry out from the will alone duties which have lost all relish.... He wants them to learn to walk and must therefore take away his hand.... Our cause is never more in danger than when a human, no longer desiring, but still intending, to do our enemy's will, looks round upon a universe from which every trace of him seems to have vanished, and asks why he has been forsaken, and still obeys. --The demon, Screwtape, in C.S. Lewis's Screwtape Letters

I hope I never understand this passage more than I do now.

I’m still here, God. I don’t know if you’re still there for me. I don’t know if you love me anymore. But with tears, I still love you. I still love you.

(These are a few notes that I wrote to myself in September 2008. The questions I asked in this writing seemed much easier before my life kinda fell apart. It was a crappy year last year. My short account of what happened doesn't even scratch the surface. Things are definitely different now. My life is much more together. However, I still wrestle with the some of the same questions and continue to pursue answers. And I still love God.

I feel a little crazy putting this on the internet, but perhaps it will spur some discussion or thoughts that will benefit some in the long run.)

Tahoe Real Estate and Growing Marijuana

I've been putting in way too many hours in real estate. I've had appointments to show property for the last four days. If business continues this way, I'll be referring clients to other Realtors within the next year or two. It'll be great.

So I was working on my real estate blog a few evenings ago. It was really late and I almost posted this. I'm glad I didn't :).

1818 Jack Bell Ct. is definitely a grow home. It has this awesome 7" x 7" hatch in the front door - perfect for talking to the cops. There's a drywalled room in the basement still furnished with the chemicals to grow a bunch of marijuana. If you wanna grow weed in Tahoe, you should definitely buy this home. I'll draft an offer for you! Regardless, it's still a great deal at $519,900.

What It Drew Explained

I've had a few questions about my blog's name, so I'll explain. I learned the phrase "What it do?" from kids I worked with in a group home. It's a phrase that originated from the Bay Area Hyphy culture (see video below.) It basically means "What's up?" or "What's going on?" I took the phrase "What it do?" and turned it into "What it Drew?"

Here's the urbandictionary.com definition of "What it do?"

See this video for more information on the Hyphy Movement:

Things I Learned on the Way to Jersey Yesterday

I traveled from South Lake Tahoe to Newark, New Jersey, yesterday. I learned a few things during the trip:

1. CalTrans vehicle operators don't care about getting in wrecks. One made a u-turn in the middle of the road and stopped right in front of me. I was headed straight for him. Snow was all over the road, and I was going about 40mph. I started pumping my brakes like mad and turned the wheel. It didn't matter. I was headed right for his bumper. I think God saved me because I stopped about a foot away from him. The CalTrans guy got out and asked if I had 4-wheel-drive. When I said yes, he told me I could continue my way up the pass. He had no freaking clue.

2. The saying amongst Realtors, "If you want business, go on vacation" is true. I was in the Sacramento airport and was contacted by a client who wants to buy a certain home now. I'll be writing an offer on Monday. Last time I went to Jersey I got a listing!

3. Chris Rock was wrong. I had a layover in Minneapolis. There's way more black people in Minnesota than Prince and Kirby Puckett.

4. Inflate-a-beds are better in warm weather. The air underneath you is just as cold as the air above you. I was swaddled in my blankets like the Baby Jesus last night.

Gay Roommate Service?

So most of the time when you check out the Google Ads that are on the right side of my page, there's one for Gay Roommate Service. How did that get there? Google usually tries to tailor their ads for their readers. Are most of you guys gay? Actually, they probably think my page is gay. Interesting. I'll have to blog more about sports and all the girls I sleep with. Actually, I only have material to write on sports. Ha.

Righting This Ship

Typically, I like to organize thoughts and create an outline before writing. Not today, today I’m just writing and seeing where this heads. I’m shooting from the hip.

Right now I feel like Bugs Bunny, popping out of the ground and wondering where the hell I am. I’m not where I want to be. For perhaps the first time in my adulthood, I wish my life was different. I’m not happy. I feel as if I have little purpose. Where did I go wrong? I knew I should have taken that left at Albuquerque.

It’s been a messed up year. My father passed. My grandmother passed. I lost my first love. I tore my Achilles tendon. I underwent surgery to repair it two and a half months later. Three months later, I began walking on my own. I developed some really intense allergies and started taking allergy shots. It now looks like the shots compromised my immune system, and I can no longer participate in strenuous exercise. This year has also been a complete failure for me professionally. I’ve hardly made any money at all. And on top of this all, my relationship with God has never been worse. Before my father died, I never considered the idea of being angry with God. Yet five minutes after he passed, I was. I had prayed over a decade that my father would know God. And God had given me a lot of reasons to believe it would happen – different promises in the Bible, experiences with the Holy Spirit, and even multiple dreams of my father worshiping. Why didn’t he give my father a reason to believe? I’m not really angry anymore, just incredibly confused. I don’t think there will ever be answers for some of these questions. God never promised to shield us from messed up years.

I’m not looking for a pity party here. I’m just trying to explain a little on how I arrived in the place I am now. Once again, I realize that I’m not in control here. I look at everything that’s happened to me above, and there wasn’t much I could have done about any of it. No organizing, planning, or outlining could have led me to a much better place. I’ll just continue in the conscious, deliberate, and exhausting efforts to right this ship. I pray about this as well, not nearly as much as I should. Not looking for pity. Definitely not looking for comments. You could pray for me, though. Meanwhile, looking at what is ahead and forgetting what is behind, I will continue on toward the Prize. --drew

Goodbye Kristen, Lily & Claire

I lived with a great family over the last 4 months. They're moving to Florida soon, and I had to say goodbye to the girls tonight. I'm pretty sad about it. They feel like family in lots of ways. Here's a video and a couple pictures of them:

Claire Taking a Bath (Click to see the video. Press pause & wait for the download before playing)

Lily on the Phone















Lily Nursing Her Baby