Out of Control

Here's one more for tonight. This one is much more recent.


8/3/2008
I'm lacking in control these days. Despite determined efforts to direct my life in the direction I'd have for the day, I'm feeling pretty weak. It sucks.

I've been doing a lot of swimming these days because of my Achilles reconstruction (5/15/08). When swimming in an open body of water with a strong current, it only makes sense to swim one way if you want to get anywhere. Otherwise, you're kinda swimming in place or else doing some counter-productive swimming, most likely in a direction you don't want to go. The current always pushes.

A few days ago I was praying about some life decisions. At one point, I looked up in a moment of clarity and said, "I'm really not in control of this one. Am I, God?" Moments like that are kinda scary. For the most part, I think God puts the reigns of our lives in our own hands. I've prayed over big decisions before and have oftentimes heard answers like, "It's your life, Drew. Just make a choice." Of course, I've also received answers on the direction I should go. This one was different. I didn't feel like God was telling me anything. I just knew that regardless of what I'd do in the future, regardless of any decision I'd make, I would be completely helpless in the direction I would ultimately take. I can only hope to quickly figure out which way this current is pushing. It's pretty damn strong.